Critter Time On Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Krieger's podcast gets a bit more wild than usual.


**Something took the disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters. So here we are again. Another episode of Krieger's Korner. Hey we need something to do while we're waiting for Archer to wake up right? So here is…**

 **Critter Time On Krieger's Korner**

"Hello!" Krieger waved to the camera. He was in the Figgis Agency bullpen with Ray. "Once again it's time for Krieger's Korner! And joining me is my producer slash cohost slash test subject slash accomplice…Ray!"

"I know," Ray said to the camera. "You would think I would know better by now. Apparently not."

Kreger added. "Also here with me today is my very special guest star, my cousin. Adal Krieger from the Los Angeles Department of Animal control!"

"Hello!" Krieger's clone in a green jumpsuit entered the room. "I'm Adal! Algernop's cousin. Yeah. That's the ticket. Cousin. **Not** a genetic clone grown in a laboratory!"

"Now that we've cleared **that up,"** Ray rolled his eyes. "Let's get on with it. Before the other two animals that usually show up for this return from the bar. Or strip club. Or a strip club slash waffle house or wherever they go to get loaded."

"Let's start by talking about some fascinating animal facts!" Krieger grinned. "Did you know dolphins are carnivores?"

"Oh yes," Adal said. "One of my co-workers found that out the hard way."

"What?" Krieger asked.

"We had a cannibal dolphin incident a while back," Adal explained. "Sad story. Tragic story. Very messy story."

"You're saying there was a dolphin swimming around that ate other dolphins?" Ray asked horrified.

"Oh no," Adal said. "He ate humans. It was at that aquarium cousin Ahab worked at. Before it closed down. Took a bite out of quite a few people before we had to put him down. Lefty lost a hand that day."

"I know the feeling," Ray groaned.

"Actually, his name's really Donald," Adal said. "We only started calling him Lefty after the cannibal dolphin incident. It just seemed appropriate."

"Hang on," Krieger said. "If the dolphin wasn't taking a bite out of other dolphins but humans, it's technically **not** a cannibal. A man-eater yes. Carnivore definitely. But not a cannibal."

"Oh," Adal blinked. "Learn something new every day."

"Well that's the purpose of this show," Krieger grinned. "Or should I say the **porpoise** of this show?"

"This is going to be nothing but a lot of bad puns isn't it?" Ray groaned.

"That's what we're going for!" Krieger grinned.

"Again, I should know **better** by now…" Ray sighed.

Adal asked. "Did you know on average cats sleep about thirteen to fourteen hours a day?"

"That's pretty much the same amount of time Cheryl is unconscious during the day," Ray remarked. "And it's not always due to the number of drugs she takes."

Krieger added. "The ears of a cricket are located on its front legs."

"Maybe that's why it can't hear itself being annoying," Adal remarked. "You know crickets are a lot more dangerous to catch than you think?"

"Really?" Ray asked.

"It certainly was for Lefty," Adal shrugged. "See there was a small infestation in an apartment building and some of them hopped into this elevator shaft. A broken elevator shaft…"

"I think I see where this is going," Ray groaned.

"At least three floors down," Adal nodded. "It was like that scene out of St. Elsewhere…" He made a falling and crashing noise. "Lefty was in the hospital for a week."

"Great Whites are the deadliest sharks in the ocean," Krieger spoke up. "Not only can they sense blood for miles and can hear a fish thrashing in the water about 500 meters away, they can swim over 30 kilometers an hour!"

"That's nothing," Ray waved. "Pam can hear a Pringles can being opened two blocks away. She can also smell any alcohol within a five-mile radius. And she's just as fast as getting to it."

"Yeah Cheryl can hear a glue bottle open from almost anywhere," Krieger admitted. "Really makes working with glue challenging."

"And if you see a bearclaw nearby…" Ray warned. "Just jump out of the way. Trust me on this. Pam goes after bearclaws like a linebacker. Hits like one too."

Adal spoke next. "Cheetahs need to drink water only once every three to four days."

"Whereas Ms. Archer needs to drink alcohol once every three to **four hours,"** Ray remarked.

"Really?" Krieger asked. "She can last **that long**?"

"Ostriches can run faster than horses," Adal said. "Especially some of the ones I bet on at the track."

"Female lions do most of the hunting," Krieger spoke up. "And on average make about twenty kills a year."

"In other words, a lot fewer than Ms. Archer," Ray added. "Ms. Archer is way more dangerous than a lion."

"Well that goes without saying," Krieger nodded.

"Almost half the pigs in the world are kept by farmers in China," Adal added.

"I've always wanted to go there," Krieger admitted.

"Deer have no gall bladders," Adal added. "They're also really mean drunks. As Lefty found out the hard way."

"Do we really want to know **this story**?" Ray blinked.

"Probably not," Adal admitted. "I really can't go into it anyway. Legal reasons."

"Say no more," Ray groaned.

"I do have a word of advice for the audience," Adal went on. "Never bet your buddies that you can get a deer to drink a keg of beer. Trust me. It won't end well. It didn't for Lefty."

"He says something anyway," Ray groaned.

"That eye never did heal right," Adal added. "Not that it was any good anyway after that cockatiel attack."

Ray did a double take before presenting a fact of his own. "Giraffes have more than one stomach. That's called a ruminant. They actually have four stomachs."

"I've highly suspected for years that Pam is a ruminant," Krieger spoke up.

"Me too," Ray admitted with a shrug.

"Sea dragons are only found in Australia," Adal went on. "And they don't breathe fire."

"Well not yet," Krieger shrugged.

"Frogs absorb water through their skin instead of drinking it outright," Adal spoke up.

"I suspect both Ms. Archer and her son are able to do that," Ray spoke up.

"Me too," Krieger nodded. "Gorillas can live around 40-50 years."

"In other words, Pam is going to be around for a while," Ray snickered.

"While weasels only live for about one or two years," Krieger added. "Male weasels usually live only one year."

"In other words," Ray remarked. "Cyril's lucky to survive **this long**!"

"A group of tigers is called an ambush or a streak," Adal said. "Lefty found that out the hard way. Those runaway tigers ambushed him in a quick streak as he tried to run away from them."

Ray shouted. "Is Lefty even still **alive?** "

Adal blinked. "Define alive."

"Let's move on to the next segment, shall we?" Ray groaned. "Because I have a feeling **no one** is learning **anything** from this one!"

"We have a real treat for you viewers," Krieger said. "Adal has brought in one of the rare animals he's captured."

"Yes," Adal picked up a cage and set it in front of them. It had a cover on it. "It's something we found the other day! I can't believe it! We actually captured some rare albino peacocks!"

"Uh oh," Krieger gulped.

"Uhh…" Ray blinked.

Adal took off the cover to reveal two albino peacocks. "Look at them! Can you imagine someone actually let these babies loose?"

"I can," Ray groaned.

The peacocks started screaming as soon as the cover was off. "For some reason they really do not like the sight of me," Adal winced. "Look at that. They don't like you either Algernop."

"Imagine that," Krieger laughed nervously.

"You want to tell him, or should I?" Ray asked.

"Shut up!" Krieger snapped.

"Tell me what?" Adal asked. The peacocks screamed loudly. "Why do they hate us so much?"

"Well it's not because I created them and forgot to feed them a couple times," Krieger laughed nervously.

Adal did a double take. "These are yours, aren't they?"

"No! No! No! NO!" Krieger protested. "Well yes."

"Algernop," Adal gave him a look. "We've talked about this! Anything that escapes your lab you're supposed to give me a head's up! Especially if these things shoot lasers out of their eyes!"

"No, they don't have any lasers!" Krieger said. "They're just regular albino peacocks without any special enhancements at all!"

CLICK!

"Scrreeeeeeeeee," One peacock said menacingly as the cage door opened.

"But apparently they are smart enough to use their claws to pick the lock on a cage!" Krieger gulped.

"RUN!" Adal screamed. The Kriegers ran for their lives as the peacocks chased them around the room, ignoring Ray.

"You've heard that old adage in showbusiness?" Ray asked the camera. "About never working with children or animals? I've just found a **new one** to add to the list. Never work with Kriegers!"


End file.
